StillneSS

When John raised his head and watched her silently, Aeryn felt a shiver running down her spine. The foolhardiness of their doing should have resulted in him getting killed ... again. But he was alive, he was scribbling down the strange symbols she knew held the wormhole equations.

She did not know why she had accompanied him here, into the command room, sitting silently beside him for hours it seemed. She had been so drained, drained out of emotion and thought and life itself. She had thought it soothing to share her sorrow with John, but he had not even acknowledged her when she had sat down beside him. Only the sound of the scribbling of the felt pen as he called it against parchment and his soft breathing when his mind unfolded more of the technology before his very eyes were the signs that he was still there, was still alive.

She had thought to draw comfort from him but the sole consolation his silence had to offer was that he was unique again, alone in this universe, and she herself had to battle the emotions that were toiling within her. Now she looked up, watching his profile as he stared off into the darkened room of command. She could not fathom how much this mission had taken its toll on him, she could only see the tell-tale signs of weariness and shocked tenseness that openly showed on his features.

He should be happy, that thought had crossed her mind more than once in the last few arns. But if she was honest with herself she did not feel any elation herself. Sitting here, watching him scribbling again, all she wanted to do was hearing his voice, hear him talking, babbling, like he had done so excessively over the last three cycles but this John, not her John, had changed. Perhaps if he had been the one coming with her onboard Talyn her John might not be dead.

May be - may be not. But it got harder and harder to separate the two, and although she knew that this John was harder, hardened by the heart ache she and her John had inflicted upon him, she knew that deep down there was still a place in his soul, in his heart which cared. Maybe not for her, but for the thousands who had lost their lives on the carrier.

She wanted to reach out and smooth back the hard lines that had appeared more prominently in the last few monens, she wanted to show the same care she had given to the little cadet.

Briefly Aeryn closed her eyes and slowly, not to draw too much attention to herself she turned towards the stars. They were already far away from the command carrier and the artificial wormhole it had created and yet she still imagined floating bits of debris to tumble around, marring the breathtaking beauty of space.

A rueful smile curled her lips. This was also something she had to thank John for ... not her John, no ..just John who had shown her with his own child-like awe how beauty could be found in the most ordinary places. The same child-like wonder she had been so annoyed with in the beginning, and that she now so desperately missed. Regrets and missed chances warring inside her and adding to the turmoil of emotion.

She could hear and feel John stirring behind her, if she listened real closely she could see in her mind's eye, how he put away the diary, watching her tense back. On the fringe of her vision she saw his hand touch the seat beside her, close but not quite touching her own hand that lay there. She could feel the warmth emanating from him on her back and for a short moment all she wanted to do was to wrap herself up in this warmth she had grown so much used to and which she missed during the nights where she lay alone in her cell. A warmth she had denied herself to feel for so long. Hurting herself and John.

Slowly, she moved closer, her back almost touching the chest that felt so familiar, but before it happened, she could feel hands on her shoulders straightening her up again.

"You are tired, Aeryn, go to bed," John's voice was almost too harsh, too loud in the stillness that enwrapped the too, and a searing pain coursed through Aeryn. So cold, so life-less a voice, it screamed inside her head and the pain that shot through her was almost too much for her to bear.

Turning around, she locked eyes with him and was appalled at the desolation she saw in these eyes that had shone so brightly with intelligence, awe and open admiration when she had first encountered them. She knew she was partly to blame for this change, the hardness that had made the blue eyes into glaciers, she had hurt him deeply without letting anyone see.

"You should go to bed yourself, Crich... John. You have unlocked the equations and you need the rest," she said softly, her hand hovering mere inches away from his face. She immediately remembered the last time she had caressed this face. It seemed to her as if this had happened in a different life time, in a different universe altogether.

Willing herself to touch the skin, she revelled in the warmth, the familiar texture but only too briefly. Strong hands, hands she knew could smash PKs into a pulp and yet be gentle and give so much pleasure, entrapped her hand, keeping it away from his face.

"Don't!" A simple request and yet with a whole wealth of meaning. She knew, she had always known. She had betrayed him, had betrayed her John when she had refused to talk to him. In this instant she knew that she had lost the love of her life all over again and perhaps this time more finally than the first time around.

Standing up, she nodded with tears in her eyes. She understood, she understood all too well.

Giving her hand a last squeeze, John released her hand and turned his head towards the bright star, his star, his Aeryn, as he used to think. But the other John had gotten all that and more.

He heard her footsteps receding and inhaling deeply, he tried to battle the shivers that started to shake his body. With the command carrier destroyed and thus destroying his nemesis, he had lost more than he could ever fathom.

© Una - 27th January 2002